


The Visit

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Post-Sirius in Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry visits Sirius and Remus the summer before his sixth year at Hogwarts. Harry POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Visit

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

"I don't know. I just think it's weird that his house isn't on the Floo network." Ron was watching Harry pack his trunk. They were in Ron's room at the Burrow, where Harry had been visiting for the past week. He'd arrived the day before his birthday.

Harry shrugged. He knew the reason, but couldn't tell Ron; it would be far too dangerous to let him know that Sirius Black was living in Remus Lupin's house, not just visiting there from time to time. Lupin had disconnected his fireplace from the network `for security', as Sirius had written to Harry when they were arranging the details of Harry's visit. "It's no big deal. I'll just take that Muggle train." He locked his trunk.

"Um... Will Snuffles have a chance to visit too?" It was as if Ron had been reading his mind.

Harry paused. "Probably." He sat down on his trunk.

"Okay. Good. Tell him I said hi." Ron was picking at the bedspread. "I just wish you'd stay here," he said quietly. "At least a bit longer."

Harry looked at him. "But Hermione's coming. I thought-oh." He grinned suddenly. "Getting nervous?"

Ron threw a pillow at him. "No!" He blushed fiercely. "I just-you know, it'd be easier with you around."

"Ron, she likes you. It'll be fine." He grinned again. "Besides, without me in the way, you can get her alone."

Ron groaned. "Yeah, if I can pry her away from Ginny."

There was a knock on the door, and Mrs Weasley put her head in. "Oh good, you're all set." She paused. "Do take care, Harry." She was clearly worried about Harry going off to spend the last three weeks of the summer holidays with a werewolf, despite his and Ron's reassurances and the letter from Dumbledore.

"I'll be fine, Mrs Weasley. Professor Lupin said he'd tell me stories about my parents." That was a lie, but it was a good reason to give for his visit, since no one else was supposed to know where Sirius was.

She sighed. "All right. I suppose it has to be better than returning to those dreadful Muggles. But owl us if you need anything, or if you want to come back."

"Thanks, I will." He hefted his trunk and Hedwig's cage; he'd already sent her on ahead. She wasn't fond of train travel.

Bill had gone out earlier and rung for a taxi. He met Harry at the front door and helped him carry his trunk down to the corner when the taxi arrived. Mr Weasley had to be dissuaded from interrogating the cab driver about the workings of the internal combustion engine. Clearly the fiasco with the flying car had only been the tip of the iceberg. Harry twisted around and waved to the Weasleys from the back window. Ginny stayed, waving forlornly, after all the others had gone back into the house. Harry sighed and faced forward again.

The journey to King's Cross and the train ride were uneventful. He'd have to thank Hermione for explaining to him how to change wizard money into Muggle money at Gringott's, since his pocketful of cash allowed him to eat an astounding variety of snacks.

At length the train arrived at the town where Lupin had said they'd meet. Harry hauled his trunk out of the luggage rack and heaved it on to the platform, then looked around. He didn't see Lupin or Sirius. Dragging his trunk behind him, he went into the waiting room. They weren't there, either. He sat down and waited. After a while he pulled out a Muggle magazine he'd bought before getting on the train and read about pop stars he'd never heard of.

Forty minutes later the door to the waiting room opened. Harry looked up as he had every time it had opened and saw Lupin. He looked different, somehow.

"Harry. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was unexpectedly held up." Lupin shook his hand. "This all you have?" Without waiting for a response, he picked up Harry's trunk easily. "Ready?"

Carrying the owl cage, Harry followed him out to the almost deserted car park. Lupin led him over to a motorcycle. Harry looked at his trunk, at the bike, and at Lupin. "Um..."

A glint of humor in the strange dark-yellow eyes. Then Lupin muttered something, and Harry's trunk shrank to a pocket-sized cube in Lupin's hand.

"Cool!" Harry glanced around nervously; no one was watching them.

"Yes, isn't it?" Lupin handed him a helmet. "Get on behind me, and hold on, no matter what." Lupin shrank the owl cage too, fastened his own helmet on, and straddled the bike. They took off. Lupin shouted back, "We're actually quite a way from the house. We'll be there in an hour or so, depending."

The ride was outrageously fun, Harry decided. And that was before Lupin suddenly turned off the main road onto a farm track. Before the bike began rising up from the ground and they were flying through the air.

"Cool!" Harry shouted again. He heard Lupin laugh.

"Yes, I was hoping we'd be able to do this."

It was strange to have someone else flying him about. He felt a bit off-balance and squeezed his thighs around the bike as if it were his broom. Then he tentatively put his hands on Lupin's shoulders, and looked down at the vista unfolding below them. Entranced, he barely noticed when they began descending, and only registered what was happening when they were riding on the ground once more, going up a drive to a medium-sized house.

The motorcycle shut off, and Harry dismounted carefully. He felt a little shaky. He took off his helmet and grinned at Lupin. "That was brilliant!"

But Lupin wasn't looking at him; he was staring past Harry. Harry turned around and saw Sirius standing at the open door of the house, looking back. Harry opened his mouth and shut it again when he realized that Sirius was looking at Lupin, not at him. Then Lupin gave him a little push, and Harry ran up the drive and into Sirius' welcoming hug.

"How was your birthday?" Sirius stepped back and inspected him. "You've grown."

"Yes, another inch and a half. That's it." He sighed. "Ron grew three inches."

"Hm. I'd say you've got a few more in you. You might be as tall as Remus." Sirius was gazing over Harry's shoulder.

"Sirius." Lupin's husky voice. There was a moment of silence. "Well, shall we go in and hear about Harry's adventures?"

"Yes, but-"

Harry was standing between the two men now. Lupin shook his head quickly. "Later." He glanced at Harry. "I've been away for a few weeks, so Sirius and I have some things to discuss. Nothing for you to worry about."

Harry nodded. They went into the house and Lupin showed him his room and restored his trunk to full size. Hedwig was already there and nipped his finger affectionately. Harry unpacked and decided to look around the house. Upstairs there was another bedroom, a study, and a bathroom. He ran down the stairs into the spacious living room and caught voices coming from the kitchen.

"-bad was it?" That was Sirius.

"Bad." A clattering noise. "Where'd you put that roasting pan?"

"Moony, tell me."

Harry suddenly realized he was eavesdropping. He walked heavily through the living room and entered the kitchen. Lupin was chopping vegetables. Sirius, seated at the table, smiled at him. "Remus cooks and you and I wash up, does that sound fair?"

Judging from the delicious smells emanating from the stove, it would be more than fair. Harry nodded vigorously.

"Good. Now have a seat and tell us about your birthday. How'd you celebrate the momentous occasion of turning sixteen?"

In the time it took Harry to describe his visit with the Weasleys and the lavish birthday party they'd thrown him, Lupin produced a roast chicken, sautéed asparagus, boiled new potatoes with butter, and a salad. Sirius fell upon the meal as if he hadn't eaten in weeks.

"God, Moony, I missed this." Sirius served himself some more potatoes. Perhaps he hadn't actually eaten in weeks. "I mean, that's not all I missed, but-" He glanced at Harry. "More of anything?"

"Oh, no thanks." Harry was saving room for the crumble he could smell. "This is really good, Mr Lupin."

Lupin smiled briefly. "You can call me Remus. We're not at Hogwarts any longer." He muttered something that sounded like, "Thank Merlin," but Harry thought he couldn't have heard right.

"Oh. Um, okay. Remus," he tried out. "Thanks. And, um, thanks for letting me stay here."

"It's a pleasure." Lupin got up and served the apple crumble. "Ice cream with this?"

"Yes!" Harry and Sirius said in unison.


	2. Part Two

After dinner they went into the living room. Sirius handed Harry a package. "Belated happy birthday."

Harry was surprised. "But you already sent that practice Snitch." It had practically exploded from the package when he'd touched it. Thankfully breakages in the Weasley household were common enough that everyone was skilled with a repairing charm.

"Yes, but-just open it. You'll see." Sirius sat next to Lupin on the sofa.

Harry pulled the paper off. "Oh, Sirius! Brilliant!" It was an entire set of Quidditch gear. "I really needed this. Thank you."

He started putting it on. It fitted him perfectly. He looked at Sirius.

"It's enchanted. It'll fit you forever, basically."

Harry grinned. "So can we play tomorrow?" A sudden thought. "Are there neighbors?"

Remus nodded. "But Sirius can cast an obscuring charm. You'll look like two birds." He shot a glance at Sirius. "Sparrows, most likely."

Sirius donned an expression of mock affront. "Don't listen to him, Harry. We'll be two hawks. Proud birds of prey."

Lupin must have used the obscuring charm when they flew in on the bike as well. Harry returned to the main point. "So does that mean we can play? I mean, will we-" He had no idea how his visit was supposed to work. "Will you have time?"

Sirius pretended to ponder this. "Well, Remus might have chores for us. He's a stern taskmaster, you know."

Next to him Lupin was rolling his eyes. "As if I've ever been able to make you do something you didn't want to, Sirius. Play all you like. It's Harry's holiday, after all." He stood up and went to a cabinet in the corner, returning with a bottle and three glasses. He poured the drinks and handed one to Harry. "Happy birthday."

"Moony! What the he-what are you doing?"

Harry froze, holding his glass of-something. He thought it was probably some kind of whisky, but it didn't smell like the stuff Hagrid sipped surreptitiously from his pocket flask.

"Well, he's sixteen, Sirius. We were drinking at that age. Earlier."

Harry's mouth dropped open. Sirius was making wild shushing noises. Lupin smiled and went on. "Remember the secret passage to the Hog's Head?"

"Remus!" Sirius looked desperate.

"It's on the Map. I'm sure he already found it."

Harry filed this piece of information away. They hadn't found it, but now he knew what to look for. He still wasn't sure whether to drink his-whatever-or not.

"Remus, I don't think-" Sirius sighed suddenly. "All right, but we're not going to do this every night. And-" He looked at Harry sternly-"no sneaking drinks when we're not around. And for God's sake, don't ever try to drink as much as Remus. We'll be scraping you off the floor if you do."

"One of the side effects of being a werewolf," Lupin explained. "Accelerated metabolism."

"Okay," Harry said. He sipped his drink tentatively. It slid over his tongue and burned smoothly down his throat. "Oh..." He took another sip. "Thanks."

It was probably some combination of the alcohol, the long journey, and the huge dinner, but Harry found himself headed to bed relatively early that evening. He paused at the foot of the stairs. "Whose bedroom am I in?"

"What?" Sirius was pouring Lupin another drink.

"I saw that there are only two bedrooms. I can sleep in the study. Or down here." He didn't want to be an inconvenience, didn't want this to be his last-only-visit.

"No, it's all right. I'm going to bunk in with Remus. He has a big bed. Big bedroom, I mean. Plenty of room." Sirius seemed a little nervous. "Not to worry. Um, good night."

Harry blinked. "Good night." He headed up the stairs. When he got to the room where he was staying, he hesitated. Then he opened the door to the other bedroom and peered in. One big bed, as Sirius had said. He shut the door quietly and crept into his own room. He lit a candle, opened the window, and let Hedwig out. Then he looked around the room. There were clothes in the wardrobe, but, as far as he could tell, only winter clothes, and, far in the back, a couple of sets of tatty robes. He got into bed with every intention of working on this little mystery, but fell asleep almost instantly.

... He was in the Potions classroom, and Snape was berating him. Harry realized that they were alone, and Snape had fallen silent, was walking towards him. The scene shifted abruptly and Harry was in some kind of workroom, talking with a tall, blond young man. He felt anxious, but when he tried to leave, the ground fell out from under him, and he was on his broom, playing Quidditch. Something hit him and he was falling--

He woke with a start, clutching the bedclothes. His fingers went to his scar, but it didn't hurt. Just a regular nightmare, then. He was wide awake. He lay in bed for a while; Hedwig returned, landed on his pillow, and stroked his face with her soft wing. He decided to get himself a glass of milk. Lupin had told him to make himself at home, after all.

Harry opened his bedroom door as quietly as possible. The house was dark and silent. Strangely silent, he realized. In fact-he crept across the landing to the other bedroom and felt the complete absence of noise that meant a silencing charm.

In the kitchen, he sat for a while, thinking. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on. Obviously they didn't want him to know. Okay. It was probably something else he was too young for. Or they didn't trust him. He washed his glass and went back to bed.

Harry slept later than he thought he would. Still befuddled by sleep, he wandered down to the kitchen. It was empty. Harry started the kettle and looked around. No sign of his godfather or his ex- teacher. In fact, it looked as if they hadn't even got up yet. Harry tried not to think about why that might be. He made himself a cup of tea. As he sat down with it, he heard sounds on the stairs.

"Good morning, Harry." Sirius looked longingly at Harry's mug. "Tea..." Sirius was clearly not a morning person.

"Would you like me to make you some?"

"Yes." Fervently. "Stewed. I like it very strong."

"He likes it disgusting, he means." Lupin came in, already dressed. His damp hair showed that he had just got out of the shower. Harry finally realized why Lupin looked different than he had at Hogwarts; not only was he wearing Muggle clothing, as he had the day before, but his hair was longer. There was something else, but Harry couldn't quite put his finger on it. Harry made two separate pots of tea as Lupin prepared an enormous breakfast. Toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit. Harry was impressed by the quantity of food the relatively slim Lupin put away. The other man noticed him looking.

"That werewolf metabolism again."

Harry nodded.

Sirius was clearly energized by his revolting pot of tea. "Quidditch?" The blue eyes were gleaming. "It's a beautiful day for it."

"Yes, you two, get out of here. No, wait. Do the washing-up-" Lupin smiled- "Then get out of here."

Harry hesitated for a second. "Um... Don't you want to play too?"

Sirius shot him an approving glance. "Good idea, Harry. Remus definitely needs to play more."

"No, I have to-" Lupin stopped abruptly. "Do something. Perhaps after lunch, if you decide to play some more then."

There was a little silence. Harry saw that Sirius' hand had clenched into a fist. As he watched, the long fingers slowly uncurled. "Right. After lunch, then." A deep breath. "Well, let's get to the dishes, shall we?"

As expected, Lupin didn't join them for lunch. Harry wound up making it because Sirius' idea of a meal turned out to be eating the ice cream from the previous evening straight out of the carton. At least he used a spoon.

"I'm a growing boy," Harry said firmly. At least, he hoped he was still growing. "I need actual food." He searched the cupboards for a tin of something. Anything. Remus obviously cooked everything from scratch. At length he settled on sandwiches made from the leftover roast chicken.

Sirius was inordinately impressed by this modest effort. "Good work, Harry. Very resourceful. Where'd you learn to cook, anyway?"

If Sirius thought that making a sandwich qualified as cooking, it was a good thing for all of them that Lupin was around to help them keep body and soul together. "I do all the cooking at the Dursleys'." Harry had stopped calling it `home' several years ago. Hogwarts was home now. He drank his milk in the sudden silence.

Sirius had finished his sandwich and was pacing back and forth in the kitchen. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Rather, Harry thought suddenly, like a dog that had been left home while its owner went out.

Harry decided it wouldn't be a good idea after all to ask where Lupin had gone. "Um... Can we play some more?" Sirius had clearly been enjoying their game, such as it was; with only two players, there were hardly any rules. And Harry wanted to see Sirius laugh again, as he had when he'd executed a particularly elegant maneuver and completely outfoxed Harry.

"Hm? Oh, right. Of course." Sirius put their plates in the sink. "Let's leave these for later."

They had been playing for over an hour when Sirius suddenly landed for no apparent reason. Harry followed him down. "What is it?"

Sirius gave him a puzzled look. "Remus is back. Can't you tell?"

Harry shook his head. "How do you know?"

"How do I-what year are you again?"

Harry blinked. "Year? Um, starting sixth."

Sirius made a little exasperated noise. They were at the house. "Incredible. Don't they-"

The door opened, revealing Lupin, who smiled at Sirius. "Hello," he said in that quiet, husky voice. His eyes flicked to Harry. "Harry, I need to talk with Sirius. Do you mind if I borrow him for a bit?"

Harry had almost forgotten Lupin's ability to be simultaneously polite and straightforward. "Oh. No, of course not. I'll just-" He looked around. "Would you like me to do some weeding?" He was intensely aware of Sirius, standing silently at his side, looking at Lupin.

"That would be wonderful, but you must be tired after playing Quidditch all day." Lupin thought. "Would you like to read in the garden?" When Harry nodded, Lupin went into the house and returned shortly with an armful of books.

Sirius laughed. "You don't expect him to get through all those, do you?"

Lupin made a show of turning his back on Sirius. "I brought you some options, Harry." He transferred the books to Harry's arms. "We'll be in the study if you need us." The two men went into the house.


	3. Part Three

About an hour later Harry was lying on the grass, engrossed in A Wizard of Earthsea, when a shadow fell over him. Two shadows. "This is a great book," he said to the page in front of him.

"Harry, there are a few things we'd like to discuss with you." Sirius' raspy voice.

Harry rolled over and sat up. That was almost always an ominous phrase. He looked at them nervously. "Okay."

Sirius folded up his long legs and dropped to the ground next to him. A second later Lupin sat as well. At least they hadn't dragged him into the house for this little chat. Harry picked at the grass in front of him, made himself stop.

Silence, then: "We think you should-" "I'd like to-" Sirius and Lupin had spoken simultaneously. They looked at each other, then away.

"You start, Remus." Sirius leaned back on his hands.

"All right." Lupin looked at Harry intently for a moment. "Harry, how many protection spells do you know?"

"Protection spells?" This wasn't the topic of conversation he'd expected at all. "Um, I know some locking spells."

"That's it?" Next to Lupin, Sirius was making the exasperated noise again. "That's all the protective magic you know?"

Harry thought. "Yes." They didn't look happy. Maybe he should pay more attention to Hermione when she nattered on about her discoveries in the library stacks.

"Right." Lupin let out a breath. "I'd like to teach you some spells while you're here. Show you how to put up wards, recognize other people's wards-can you tell when someone is nearby? No, that's right, Siri told me." He was clearly thinking aloud. Harry noticed the nickname with interest. "We'll work on that, too. Er... you probably shouldn't tell anyone at Hogwarts that we're doing this."

Harry nodded. "Is it-I mean, is it something I'm not supposed to know?"

Lupin hesitated. "It's something you need to know."

Prevarication, Harry thought happily. He'd have to tell Hermione that he understood that word now. "Okay."

Another pause.

"Right, there's something else." Lupin's turn to shift nervously. "The full moon is in three days." Sirius made a movement towards him and checked it. "Today I went to pick up the Wolfsbane Potion. And I'll be locked in the shed." He pointed to the small building at the back of the garden. "Sirius will stay in the house with you, just in case."

Harry nodded again. He didn't know quite what he should say. A question occurred to him. "I thought the Wolfsbane Potion made it safe for you to be around people?"

"Safer," corrected Lupin. "I don't-I'm not going to take any chances."

Harry turned the book over in his hands. "What would you do if I weren't here?"

Sirius answered before Lupin could. "He'd take the Potion and then we'd go into the woods." He indicated the forested area behind the house.

Harry filed this information away. "Okay." He wasn't sure if the conversation was over yet or not. "Um, is there anything else?" It hadn't been as scary as he thought. But they suddenly seemed worried.

Sirius spoke again. "Yes, we-we want you to know something. About us. That we're-" He glanced at Lupin. "Feel free to help out here at any time, Moony."

"Oh no, I think you're doing beautifully." The yellow eyes gleamed.

"Thanks. Your support means so much to me." Sirius took in a deep breath. "Harry, Remus and I are-um. I'm not just living at his house. We're living together."

Harry thought about this distinction. "So you're-" He wasn't quite sure what the polite phrase was. `Shagging' probably wouldn't go over too well. `Having an affair' sounded weirdly adulterous. He looked at them, looked at the way they were sitting next to each other, not quite leaning into one another, and understood. "In love?"

A smile flashed over Lupin's face. "Yes." He wasn't looking at Harry, but at Sirius, who was meeting his eyes just as intently.

"Okay." He paused. "Thanks for telling me."

Sirius looked away from Lupin. "You're welcome. Er... do you-I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable. With me. Or with us."

"No, of course not." Harry pondered his answer for a moment. He repeated, "No. It's-it's not really a surprise." He felt a blush spread over his face. God, they'd think he'd been spying on them or something.

Lupin leaned towards him slightly. "It's important that you not tell anyone else. It's potentially dangerous."

"Okay," he said again. He tried to hide his curiosity, but couldn't help asking, "because Sirius hasn't been cleared yet?"

"Mm." Lupin shot him an assessing glance. "That, and-it could be used against us. I mean that-" He broke off.

Sirius interjected, "Someone might try to hurt one of us to get to the other." Lupin sighed. "What? That's what you were trying to say."

"Yes, but-well, anyway." Lupin stood and stretched. "I suppose I should think about dinner."

It was only four in the afternoon. Lupin went back in the house, leaving Harry and Sirius on the lawn. Sirius lay back and stared up at the clouds. "I never get tired of this," he said softly. "The sky..."

Harry didn't know what to say to that. He thought of twelve years in a windowless cell, and shivered.

"So," Sirius said, still looking up. "Remus thought you might have some questions for me."

"Did he?" But Harry did have a few questions. "Um..." Getting started would be the hard part.

"Does Pomfrey still give that talk on sex education?" Sirius sounded a little nervous.

Harry blushed. "Yes."

"Okay, good. So ... were there-do you have questions about that?" It actually looked as if Sirius were blushing too.

A sudden thought struck Harry. "Is this one of those parenting things?" He tried to imagine Uncle Vernon giving him `the talk', as Ron had described his own father doing, and failed utterly.

That surprised a laugh out of Sirius. "Yes, I suppose so." He sat up and brushed some grass out of his hair.

"Well," Harry said carefully, "I don't have any questions about-um. But I-" He pulled up a handful of grass and started shredding it. "Ron likes Hermione," he blurted out.

"Okay." Sirius was considering this. "Do you like her too?"

"Oh no. I mean, not like that." Harry threw away the handful of mangled grass. "I think I-" He sighed. Why was this so difficult? He should have signed up for the optional course on rhetoric last year after all. "What's it like to be in love?"

"Oh." There was a long pause. Sirius was staring at his hands. "God, you go straight for the tough ones, don't you?"

"Sorry. You don't have to-"

"No, it's-" Sirius looked at him. "What do you think it's like? Is there someone you--"

"I don't know. I mean I-I thought I liked this girl called Cho, but I didn't really know her. But every time I was around her I thought I was going to throw up."

Sirius chuckled. "Sorry, but--" He laughed. "I know the feeling."

"And then there was someone last year, but when I got to know the person, I didn't really like them much."

"Mm. That happens."

"And now there's someone I don't really like but I feel-I want-I don't know." Harry decided to shut up. No, one more thing. "It's confusing."

"Yes, it is." A sigh. "Well, I don't know how much help I can be with this. Um. You're-you know, people kept telling me this when I was your age and I hated it. God, I'm turning into my own parents." A mock glare. "Look what you're doing to me, young Potter!" Sirius sobered up. "But you're very young to be thinking about falling in love. So just-"

But Harry knew that. That wasn't what he needed to hear. "No, Sirius, can you just ... tell me what it's like?" He swallowed. "I know I don't know." Okay, that sounded weird. "I mean-never mind."

Sirius touched his shoulder tentatively. "No, I'll try." Another silence. Sirius drew in an audible lungful of air, exhaled. "I can't live without him. No, that's not it." He rubbed his hand over his face. "I can live without him, but I'm not-not alive. Just existing. Um. That's it."

Harry's eyes felt hot. "Oh." He thought of something else. "Have you two been-for a long time?"

Sirius nodded. "Since our last year at school."

"Oh." And those twelve years... He shivered again. He felt Sirius waiting. "What about my mum and dad? Was it like that for them?"

"Well, they-things were always a lot less complicated for them."

Harry paused. "Because they were straight?" He still wasn't sure if that was one of the things that was different in the wizarding world. He'd tried to ask Ron once, but had chickened out halfway through his question.

"That, and-" Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "Because of who they were. Their personalities. But yes, they were very much in love." A sudden spark in the blue eyes. "I remember when your father first noticed Lily. I mean, we'd known her since first year and he liked her well enough. But one day James just-it was as if he just woke up and saw her. Really saw her. Thank the spirits she saw him back, otherwise he would have been impossible to live with!" Sirius laughed.

Harry grinned too, thinking of the way that Ron had woken him up one night last term. They'd stayed up for hours as Ron told Harry about his sudden realization that Hermione was the most wonderful person in the world. "Okay, um, I don't think I have any more questions right now."

"Thank Merlin," Sirius muttered. Louder: "Let's see how Remus is getting on with dinner, then." They stood up.

Impulsively, Harry threw his arms around his godfather. "Thanks," he said into Sirius' chest.

Sirius ruffled his hair. "No problem."


	4. Part Four

Sometime the following afternoon, when they were all working in the garden, Harry realized that since the discussion the previous day he had been watching the two men without knowing quite what he was looking for. What he was hoping to see. They didn't touch in front of him, but he didn't think that was what he was waiting for.

He yanked up another fistful of weeds. The activity was surprisingly gratifying.

"Harry. Some apple juice?" Lupin handed him a glass.

"Oh, thanks." He drank thirstily. "This garden is amazing." He marveled again at the riot of contrasting colors that somehow seemed to form a pleasing whole, against all odds. "It's so-alive." What a stupid thing to say. As if a garden could be anything but alive.

Lupin seemed to understand. "It was my mother's. I started working on it when I moved back in two years ago. I added most of the more, er, vibrant plants." He added enigmatically, "It was time."

Harry nodded as if he understood. Perhaps he did, he thought.

Sirius wandered over. "So, did you bring me some juice too?"

"No, I thought if you were thirsty you'd just transform and drink from the pond." Lupin smiled.

"Great. I became an Animagus so I could drink fetid pond water. I think not." He snatched Lupin's glass and drank from it.

Harry put his glass down. "Um, about the full moon." He wiped his hands on his shirt. "I'd like to be there. With you."

Wow. He'd managed to surprise Lupin. But not for long. "No." The yellow eyes were flat.

"Why not? And," he rushed on, "I know the Wolfsbane Potion works. I'll be safe."

"You can't know that."

"Yes, I do," Harry insisted. "Sirius stays with you."

"Yes, as a dog. That's very different."

Sirius drew in a breath as if to speak, but Lupin glared at him.

Harry went on. "I bet he stays with you as a person, too." It was the kind of thing his impulsive godfather would do. Judging by the way the two men twitched, Harry was right. "And I know the Potion works like it's supposed to."

"You can't know that," Lupin repeated.

He made himself look at Lupin. "Snape makes it for you, doesn't he? Well, he's-" He hesitated. `We're not at Hogwarts any more', Lupin had said. Okay, then. "He's too much of a bastard not to make it right."

Sirius turned his face away quickly; his shoulders shook silently. Lupin's eyebrows shot up.

"I mean, he'd rather have it work perfectly so he can show how superior he is than to risk messing it up and having you know he made a mistake." Harry gulped his juice. "Right?"

"Harry, that's ... that's very astute." There was a glint of humor in Lupin's eyes. "You must know Professor Snape quite well."

Harry shrugged.

"But you're not staying with me during the full moon."

"Well, Moony, Harry does have a point. I mean, the potion works." Sirius had recovered from his fit of silent laughter. "And I have been with you while I was in human form."

Lupin sighed heavily. "I said no."

"But I-" Harry started.

"No." Lupin walked away.

Harry glanced at Sirius. "I just want to ... I mean, I know he won't hurt me. And I think-um, it seems like something I can do for him."

Sirius was silent, waiting.

"Did he tell you about the Patronus?"

Sirius nodded.

"And now he's going to show me those other spells. And I'd like-I want to-" Harry paused. "I like him."

A smile spread over Sirius' face. "I'll talk to him for you."

Harry smiled back. "Thanks." He stretched and registered how muddy and sweaty he was. "I think I'll wash up now."

After his bath, Harry decided to read in his room, curled up in the armchair by the window. He'd heard the low murmur of voices from the study while he was dressing, and wanted to give Sirius a chance to persuade Lupin. Plus, he was almost at the end of A Wizard of Earthsea.

Half an hour later, he finished re-reading the last chapter, then set the book aside with a sigh.

"There are two more in the series, you know." Lupin's husky voice came from the doorway.

"Yes, I was just thinking. All that about accepting your darkness..." He looked up. "Sometimes I think about Tom Riddle. Meeting him in the Chamber of Secrets. He even looked a little like me."

"Ah." Lupin came in and sat down on the bed. "And now he shares your blood."

Usually people were much more reassuring than that. "Yes," Harry whispered.

"Yes, there's a connection between you." Lupin looked thoughtfully at him. "What do you think it means, to accept your darkness?"

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again. "I-I don't know. Maybe it's ... not rejecting part of yourself? But if it's dark, then- I don't know." Right, he was failing this conversation. He thought some more. "Accepting your darkness doesn't have to mean being ruled by it."

A glint in Lupin's eyes. He suddenly seemed very like the teacher he had been when Harry first met him. "What happens if you don't accept it?"

"Um... If you don't accept it, then I suppose you-maybe a part of you is always missing." That sounded horribly trite, but he couldn't think of any other way to say it. "Like Ged, in the book." He had an idea. "And you're ruled by it. By rejecting it. And maybe by-" This was going to sound hopelessly corny. "By not knowing yourself." He made a face. "This isn't coming out right."

Lupin smiled. "It's not a test."

That was a relief.

"May I give you some advice? Or--" Lupin hesitated. "At least tell you something?"

Harry nodded.

"Right." There was a pause; Lupin seemed to be organizing his thoughts. "Well, then. I think you already know that it's not as easy as being all good or all evil. Light or Dark. And you ... one shouldn't live in fear of oneself." Very quietly. "Understand yourself. Control yourself. But don't fear your own ... impulses." Lupin was looking at his own hands.

This was about Lupin as much as about him, Harry realized. "I think I understand," he said.

A quick glance. "Mm. Yes, I think you do, too." A deep breath. "You really want to be with me during the full moon?"

"Yes," Harry said firmly.

Lupin stood up. "Let's go downstairs and talk with Sirius, then. Make some plans."

Harry jumped to his feet. "All right!"

His enthusiasm won another one of Lupin's rare, full-fledged smiles.

The plans were quite elaborate. That shouldn't have surprised Harry, knowing his godfather's penchant for schemes and Lupin's meticulous attention to detail. One more surprise awaited him, after Lupin had laid down the ground rules.

"Er... Harry." For the first time Lupin seemed uncertain. "One last thing. I need-I need to smell you."

Harry blinked. "Smell me?" Did he smell bad? He'd just had that bath.

"Yes, I need to know your scent. So that I'll recognize you after I've changed."

"Oh. Okay." Certainly he'd had stranger things happen to him than someone sniffing him. "Now?"

"Yes, if that's all right." When Harry nodded, Lupin walked over to where he was sitting. "Could you stand up, please?"

Harry stood obediently. Lupin leaned in and inhaled deeply.

"May I touch you?"

Harry nodded. Lupin put one hand on Harry's shoulder, shifted closer; his face was in Harry's hair. Harry felt the little puffs of breath on his scalp and spared a moment to be grateful that he'd washed his hair earlier as well.

Lupin stepped back. "Um..." He glanced at Sirius quickly. "Do you mind taking your shirt off?" He added hastily, "If it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to. It's just that it will be easier for me."

"Okay." Harry pulled his T-shirt off. He was a little self- conscious, standing there in the living room with the two men looking at him. Somehow it wasn't the same as dressing and undressing in front of his roommates.

"Thank you." Lupin moved forward again, bent over slightly, and sniffed Harry's neck, his shoulder. It was at once intimate and impersonal. Harry relaxed slightly. Lupin took hold of his wrist, raised his arm, and smelled along his forearm and elbow to his side. It tickled; much to his horror, Harry heard himself giggle. Another warm huff of breath to his ribs signaled Lupin's silent chuckle. At length the other man stepped back. "Thank you," he repeated.

"Oh. Um, you're welcome." Harry put his T-shirt back on. "Did that help?"

"Yes, very much." That odd uncertainty again. "I have to tell you something."

"Okay." Harry waited. He noticed that Sirius was being unusually still.

"I-First, I don't do it often. Hardly at all. But, well, I can sense other people's emotions."

Harry gaped. "You-mine?" He tried to remember all the emotions he'd ever had in Lupin's presence.

"I don't do it often," Lupin said again. "Hardly ever without permission." His eyes flicked to Sirius, who smiled. "I've never smelled yours before." Harry relaxed slightly. But just now-" Lupin's turn to smile. "It was hard to avoid."

Harry's eyes widened. What had he been feeling?

"Harry. Do you want to know what I smelled?"

Did he? He found himself nodding vigorously. Apparently he did.

"I smelled your trust." Lupin was still smiling.

Yes, that was right. Harry grinned back. "Well, yeah. I mean- yeah," he said. Oh, now that would impress them. But they both looked happy.

A little pause. Then Sirius said thoughtfully, "I'm hungry." He had a mischievous look in his eye. "Would you like me to cook?"

Apparently Lupin had had a similar experience to the ice cream for lunch debacle, since he said, "No," just as Harry did.

Lupin made them go over the plans again that evening. And twice the next day. And the following afternoon, until Sirius said firmly, "We know what we're supposed to do, Remus. Leave it. Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a bit?"

"But I-" Lupin looked at Sirius. "Oh, right. Fine. Er... perhaps we should all have naps, then."

Harry hadn't been sent to take a nap since-he'd never been sent to take a nap. Although he'd had plenty of inadvertent naps in the library.

"We'll be up all night," Sirius said.

"Okay," Harry said. He could always read if he didn't manage to get to sleep.

Harry woke up with The Tombs of Atuan lying on his chest. He rolled over and looked at the clock; it was almost six. Hedwig hooted approvingly. She seemed to like the idea of her person becoming nocturnal. Harry went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. There was a silencing charm on the other bedroom again. He went downstairs and started practicing some of the new spells Lupin had taught him.

He was putting up a third set of wards when he felt something. "Sirius?" He turned around. His godfather was hovering at the door to the living room, clearly held back by the barrier Harry had set up. "Yes! It worked!" He took down the wards.

"Nice," said Sirius appreciatively. "Where's Remus?"

"Um..." Harry concentrated, extending his magical sense as Lupin had shown him. "Kitchen. But that could just be wishful thinking."

Sirius laughed. "No, he's making dinner. Let's go and hover over him while he cooks."

Harry tucked his wand into the waistband of his shorts. "Only if I get to ask him every five minutes if he's done yet."

Of course they had to review the plan one more time over dinner. At last Lupin and Sirius went into the garden while Harry locked himself in the house. He waited, watching the moon rise through the kitchen window. He remembered seeing Lupin's horrifying transformation at Hogwarts, remembered his own shock and terror. He exhaled slowly.


	5. Part Five

There was a knock at the door. Harry unlocked the door and opened it. Sirius smiled. "It's going well. Are you ready?"

Harry nodded and followed Sirius outside. Lupin was waiting in the shed. Harry stood outside the door so that the wolf could smell him. A little pause, then a bark. As they'd arranged, Harry went back up the garden and stood at the door of the house, holding his wand and ready to leap back inside if necessary, while Sirius opened the door to the shed.

The werewolf emerged, gleaming silver in the moonlight. He sniffed Sirius and walked slowly towards Harry. Slow was good, Harry told himself; Lupin would be charging him if he meant to kill him. Or turn him. The wolf halted several paces away. Harry looked; Lupin was just like a wolf, but larger. And-Harry looked more closely. He had the same eyes as he did in human form. Harry took a step forward. The wolf waited. Harry took another step, and stretched his hand out. A warm wet lick to his hand made him giggle; he heard Sirius' answering laugh. Harry put his wand away and watched as the air shimmered around Sirius and he transformed into Padfoot. The black dog bounded up to the wolf; they touched noses. Then, as if in silent accord, they turned to Harry and leapt at him. He had time for one brief moment of panic before he was rolling on the ground with two canines wrestling playfully with him and with each other.

It seemed as if they ran and played in the woods for hours. At last Harry sat down on a fallen tree trunk and watched as the wolf chased the dog around the small clearing they'd come upon. Harry had never seen Lupin in total, joyful abandon. He grinned as Padfoot turned suddenly and started chasing the wolf instead. He looked up at the sky; if he remembered his basic astronomy, the moon would be setting in less than thirty minutes. He stood up. Padfoot ran over to him and leaned against his leg. Without thinking, Harry thumped his side affectionately. The plumy tail waved vigorously; Harry did it again.

He walked out of the clearing, followed by his two companions. When they reached the house, the wolf lay down near the shed. Harry went inside and watched from the kitchen window as the moon set and the wolf's form slowly shuddered and convulsed. It was as if the wolf didn't want to relinquish its hold on the shared body. At length Lupin's naked body lay there limply, Padfoot curled against him. That strange shimmer, and Sirius took on his human form. He lay there for a moment, touching Lupin's cheek. Then he got up, went to the shed, and came back with a blanket. He draped it around Lupin, who had struggled to his knees. Now, having seen them touch, Harry was certain that that wasn't what he had been waiting for when he was watching them before. He had been waiting to see that tenderness, that playfulness they had exhibited earlier, waiting to see what he could only just recognize as love.

Harry wanted to go outside and help, but he wasn't supposed to see this much. He went upstairs and got into bed. He should have been exhausted, but felt somehow both exhilarated and saddened.

... He was in a locker room, and an older woman, not Hooch, was screaming at him. He left the room and walked into a bedroom, where he was lying in bed waiting for someone, he didn't know who. The door opened, but before Harry could see who his lover was, he was falling, falling out of bed-

Harry jerked awake. Still in bed, he realized. He rolled over and looked at the clock; it was one in the afternoon, and he was famished. He stretched and got up. He went into the corridor; no noise from the rest of the house. For once the silencing charm wasn't up. Harry thought for a moment, then went downstairs and into the kitchen. He assessed the well-stocked pantry and fridge and decided to make omelets. He sliced some potatoes and fried them in butter for good measure.

Cooking for people he actually liked was a novel experience. He'd thought the smell might lure them downstairs, but no such luck. He looked at the plates of food thoughtfully, cast a warming charm on them, and squeezed some oranges for juice. Grownups tended to like that sort of thing, although Mr. Ice-Cream-for-Lunch probably wouldn't even notice. As an afterthought he brewed two pots of tea. He put the plates on a tray, carefully levitated the juice and tea, and headed upstairs. He paused at the door to their room and listened; faint stirring noises. He set the tray down and knocked quietly.

After a moment the door opened. A bleary-eyed Sirius, wrapped in a dressing gown, peered out. "Morning." He saw the plates. "Food! May Merlin bless you and your progeny! Just a sec." He shut the door; Harry could hear him talking. The door swung open again.

"Come in, oh best of godchildren."

Harry picked up the tray and stepped inside. Lupin was sitting up on the bed, pulling on a T-shirt. Harry caught a quick glimpse of a silvery, twisted band of scar tissue. Then Lupin's tousled head popped through the neck of the shirt, and he smiled at Harry. "Good morning." He caught sight of the clock. "Er, afternoon. And thank you for cooking."

Harry set the tray down on the bedside table. "You're welcome." He turned to leave.

Sirius had taken charge of the floating items. "Where are you going?" He asked, handing Lupin a cup of tea. "And where's your food? Did you already eat?"

Harry turned back. "No, it's in the kitchen."

"Well, bring it up here." Sirius dragged a chair to the side of the bed. "You can sit here. Eat with us." He looked at Harry suddenly. "Unless, er..."

Harry grinned. "No, I'd like to." He pelted downstairs, grabbed his own plate, and raced back to the bedroom. Sirius had sat on the bed next to Lupin, swinging his long legs up on top of the covers, and was handing Lupin his plate. Harry plopped down into the chair and dug in.

There was silence for a few minutes, aside from Lupin's "this is really good" and Sirius' "I told you he could cook". And the chewing sounds. And Sirius' little sigh of happiness when he found that Harry had made his tea extra-strong. Harry was very pleased with the success of his meal.

Harry set down his fork. "I had a good time last night." That wasn't quite right. "A great time. Thank you."

"Good," said Lupin. He drank his juice. "I enjoyed it too."

There was a little pause. Harry steeled himself. "Was it-I mean, I know-wait." He rethought his question. "What was it like when my dad was with you?"

"When we were in school?"

Harry nodded.

Lupin glanced at Sirius, then looked back at Harry. "Well, the Wolfsbane Potion alters the experience-or my perception of the experience-quite drastically." He was moving into teacher-mode again. "Without the potion, as you know, it's a much more primal sensation. That is to say-"

"Remus, he doesn't want a lecture about a potion. He can get that from Snape any day of the school year." Sirius put his mug of tea down. "He just wants to hear about Prongs. And how much fun we had roaming through the Forbidden Forest." He looked at Harry. "We used to drive him mad by weaving in and out around his legs. One time we were--"

They told him stories about his father, as a stag and as a human, for the next hour. Harry noticed that they never mentioned the fourth Marauder, but he didn't say anything. At last Lupin yawned hugely. "Sorry, but I think I need to sleep again."

"Oh, right." Harry got up. "Um, thanks again." He collected the dirty dishes; Sirius took some of them and followed him out the door, glancing back at Lupin, who had already collapsed onto the heaped-up pillows. "Is he all right?"

"Oh, well, `all right' is relative." They went downstairs and into the kitchen. "It's always going to be ... draining. But it's easier for him than it used to be. With the potion, and with-with someone to be with him. Er. I think you helped."

Harry blinked. "I did?"

"Yes. By wanting to be with him. And just by-by playing." Sirius put the plates in the kitchen sink and ran some water over them.

Harry remembered what Sirius had said about Lupin needing to play more. "Okay. Good." He had a sudden realization. "He looks happier. I mean, than he did when he was teaching." That was the difference he hadn't been able to identify until just now.

Sirius looked as if Harry had given him a present. "You think so?"

"Yes," Harry said firmly.

"Good." Sirius repeated softly, "Good." A brief pause. "Do you want to practice some of those new spells?"

"Yes," Harry said instantly. They had shown him some really interesting things. Hermione would be so jealous-he remembered that he wasn't supposed to tell Hermione. He started thinking about all the secrets that Sirius and Lupin had revealed to him, and had another question. "Hey, Sirius?"

"Yes?" Sirius was heading out into the garden. He preferred to be outside if possible when practicing spell-casting; thinking of some of the `accidents' in Charms, Harry thought that was quite sensible.

"Where was Remus?" It still felt strange to call him by his first name.

"What do you mean?"

"When he picked me up at the station and brought me here, he'd been away for a while. Where was he?" What Harry really wanted to know was why Sirius and Lupin had apparently been arguing about it, from what he'd gathered from the snippet of conversation he'd overheard, but he was fairly sure he couldn't ask that.

"Oh." Sirius looked at him. "I'll tell you what I can, but you can't-"

"Tell anyone else, I know." He was becoming quite good at keeping secrets.

"Not even Ron," Sirius warned.

"Sirius, I know." He had to make sure Sirius trusted him. He had to be trustworthy. "I-I don't tell Ron everything, you know." He pulled his glasses off and polished them on his sleeve while he thought about how to explain. "Not because I don't trust him, but because ... there are things I just don't-I want to keep him from having to know. And-sometimes I feel so much older. Not like he's a kid, but-" Harry put his glasses back on with a sigh. This wasn't coming out right. "I mean, I'm just-"

Sirius put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "You've seen death and he hasn't." Sirius was apparently picking up some of Lupin's directness.

"Yes," Harry said quietly.

The hand squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. "Yes, I understand wanting to help him preserve some of his ... innocence." Sirius' eyes darkened.

Oh. "But Sirius, I-" Suddenly Harry remembered what Lupin had said when he offered to teach Harry the protective magic: `it's something you need to know'. He repeated those words now. "There are things I need to know. You can't-"

A sigh. "I know." Sirius sat down on a stone bench. Harry joined him, noticing absently that the arms of the bench ended in wolves' heads. "All right. You want to know where Remus was. Well, I can't tell you. But-" He added hastily when Harry drew a breath-"I can tell you that it was Order business. And things are becoming very ... nasty. That's why-" He broke off.

"That's why Remus is teaching me all this extra stuff."

Sirius nodded. "Another thing. Pay attention in class."

"I do!" Harry was indignant. He was no Hermione, but his marks were fairly good.

"No, not like that." Sirius grinned. "I don't care about your marks. Just try not to fail. What I mean is that each spell is like a basic template. If you work out a little variation, you can make it do something different. So you may learn how to make an object invisible. But if you think about it, you can use a variant of that spell to make yourself invisible, without your cloak. Or to make something soundless. Try to think about how you can play with magic to make it do everything you want it to do."

That was such a cool idea. "So I should just use my imagination?"

"Well, with a little common sense." Sirius smiled again. "And you can tell your friends that bit. Three heads are better than one. Now, let's get to work. Those defensive wards of yours. I noticed a little chink in one of them yesterday-"

The rest of the visit flew by. Harry practiced the new spells assiduously, played Quidditch with Sirius (Lupin even joined them a few times), helped in the garden, and cooked occasionally. They told him more about his parents. And he read, enjoying it much more than he ever had before. Lupin had a collection of Muggle novels about magic which Harry steadily worked his way through. Some of the books were so accurate that he thought they must have been written by wizards in disguise; others were ludicrously far off the mark. He and Lupin soberly discussed the merits of each novel, much to Sirius' amusement. August 30 came much too quickly for Harry's liking. He would go to London, spend a couple of days at the Leaky Cauldron, and get his supplies for the upcoming year before taking the Hogwarts Express on September 1.

Lupin took him to the local train station. They couldn't risk Sirius accompanying them, even as a dog, and Lupin couldn't go with Harry to Diagon Alley for reasons that he wouldn't explain. Along with the new spells, Harry had learned not to ask too many questions, or at least what sorts of questions not to ask.

Lupin helped him heave his trunk, restored once more to normal size after another exciting ride on the motorbike, onto the train. They stood for a moment looking at each other; then Lupin stretched out his hand. Harry shook it. "Thank you," he said.

"You're welcome." Lupin was still holding his hand. He tugged gently and Harry stepped forward into a hug. Lupin squeezed him briefly, then released him. "Take care of yourself." Formulaic words, but Lupin's tone was serious, urgent.

"You too," Harry said, trying to copy Lupin's delivery. "Good luck."

Lupin smiled suddenly, as if at a private joke. "You too. With everything. And everyone." He patted Harry on the shoulder and got off the train, jumping lightly down onto the platform.

Harry watched through the window as the train pulled away. Lupin stood there until all Harry could see was a distant speck. At last Harry stopped waving. He sat back and started thinking about the upcoming year at Hogwarts, his sixth. He had a feeling it was going to be quite a year.

\--the end--


End file.
